Now that poverty has settled itself
back into my life, and the next few months will inevitably descend
into drudgery and penny-scraping, all I can think about are the weeks
leading up to now and how they ate all my money. A leading factor was
my borderline occupation of the Moorings, where ten pound cocktails
and twelve types of absinthe made me feel like a connoisseur, rather
than a simple drunkard. The temptation to eat out has also scuppered
me. Even with a full fridge at home, the open door of too many
takeaways and bistros saw me roaming in and unsheathing my bank card,
muttering my PIN number to the tune of “we're in the money”.
Simply put, my personal finance skills display the lack of foresight
which has destabilized governments and collapsed empires. This is why
on a rainy Friday afternoon, when my poverty has placed me under
house arrest, far from any bar or deli, I'm glad to have dug out my
old Business Studies jotter. It dates from my second year of school,
when I would have been just 13, and if I remember the nature of the
class correctly it should provide all the advice I've been ignoring
until now.
The coursework inside begins with a
case study of two individuals, Ben and Sarah, and how they first
supplemented then spent their pocket money. We learn that Ben wound
up with a pound more than Sarah after taking on the more demanding
tasks of grass cutting and washing the car. Was this an example of
government-planted propaganda about the gendered pay gap? I am loathe
to comment. However when we turn to our heroes outgoings we observe
this:
Ben's spending for the week:
Crisps- 60p
Can of coke- £1.60
Mars bar- 78p
Magazine- £1.00
Bus fare- £2.00
Apples- 60p
Youth club- £1.00
Total- £7.58
Sarah, on the other hand, breaks down
as follows:
Sarah's spending for the week:
Bottle of coke- 90p
2 bags of crisps- 40p
Disco- £1.00
Make up- £2.00
Bus Fare- £1.00
Total- £5.30
Sarah comes
across as the hero of this tale, though I'm sceptical as to why. If
Ben spends twice as much on bus fares to go to his youth club, is
that his fault? Just because Sarah has a cheaper taste in crisps does
that make her a saint when she gets tarted up for her nearer, but but
equally expensive disco? But perhaps I'm getting carried away.
Perhaps I see too much of myself in Ben, as I picture him bloated
with Kettle Chips, thumbing through Shoot! on
a three hour bus journey. Particularly when just below this
analysis, a question has been answered in all capitals with a phrase
which screams to me across the years:
“PLANNING
YOUR SPENDING IS CALLED BUDGETING”
I
would swear my former self was reaching out from the past to shake me
by the shoulders, were I not just as sure that his mind at the time
of writing was focused on masturbation as a potential cure for acne.
Whatever
priorities were distracting me during the class, I can still see the
pattern of some kind of Cassandra complex in my answers. In a list of
questions on unnecessary expenses, I have repeatedly reused 'alcohol'
and 'eating out' as examples. But this is paired with answers which
clearly show a lack of commitment to the questions posed. My
responses to questions 18 and 19 are “they were blown up” and
“starve” respectively. I doubt these responses were of any
relevance to the questions posed. Unless it was stated that Ben and
Sarah were required to traverse an artillery range between themselves
and the bus stop, or build explosives to fend off malnutrition, then
a more likely explanation is that I was simply bored. Bored and not
paying attention to a lesson which would have allowed me to go to the
pub tonight.
So
what have I learned from this examination of my school life? Firstly,
if I should ever foolishly suggest that the pay gap is due to women
not working hard enough, I shall back-pedal by blaming subliminal
messages fed to me as a youth. Second, if a young man prefers to go
to a youth club rather than a disco even though it's further away,
the issue is one for the town planning committee of his local
authority. But above all I have learned that I will never learn, and
when money next comes my way it will inevitably vanish into the tills
of various bars and buffets. I just haven't the sense to spend it on
makeup and teenage discos.
