Reflections on a Found Schoolbook

Now that poverty has settled itself back into my life, and the next few months will inevitably descend into drudgery and penny-scraping, all I can think about are the weeks leading up to now and how they ate all my money. A leading factor was my borderline occupation of the Moorings, where ten pound cocktails and twelve types of absinthe made me feel like a connoisseur, rather than a simple drunkard. The temptation to eat out has also scuppered me. Even with a full fridge at home, the open door of too many takeaways and bistros saw me roaming in and unsheathing my bank card, muttering my PIN number to the tune of “we're in the money”. Simply put, my personal finance skills display the lack of foresight which has destabilized governments and collapsed empires. This is why on a rainy Friday afternoon, when my poverty has placed me under house arrest, far from any bar or deli, I'm glad to have dug out my old Business Studies jotter. It dates from my second year of school, when I would have been just 13, and if I remember the nature of the class correctly it should provide all the advice I've been ignoring until now.

The coursework inside begins with a case study of two individuals, Ben and Sarah, and how they first supplemented then spent their pocket money. We learn that Ben wound up with a pound more than Sarah after taking on the more demanding tasks of grass cutting and washing the car. Was this an example of government-planted propaganda about the gendered pay gap? I am loathe to comment. However when we turn to our heroes outgoings we observe this:

Ben's spending for the week:

Crisps- 60p

Can of coke- £1.60

Mars bar- 78p

Magazine- £1.00

Bus fare- £2.00

Apples- 60p

Youth club- £1.00

Total- £7.58

Sarah, on the other hand, breaks down as follows:

Sarah's spending for the week:

Bottle of coke- 90p

2 bags of crisps- 40p

Disco- £1.00

Make up- £2.00

Bus Fare- £1.00

Total- £5.30

Sarah comes across as the hero of this tale, though I'm sceptical as to why. If Ben spends twice as much on bus fares to go to his youth club, is that his fault? Just because Sarah has a cheaper taste in crisps does that make her a saint when she gets tarted up for her nearer, but but equally expensive disco? But perhaps I'm getting carried away. Perhaps I see too much of myself in Ben, as I picture him bloated with Kettle Chips, thumbing through Shoot! on a three hour bus journey. Particularly when just below this analysis, a question has been answered in all capitals with a phrase which screams to me across the years:

“PLANNING YOUR SPENDING IS CALLED BUDGETING”

I would swear my former self was reaching out from the past to shake me by the shoulders, were I not just as sure that his mind at the time of writing was focused on masturbation as a potential cure for acne.

Whatever priorities were distracting me during the class, I can still see the pattern of some kind of Cassandra complex in my answers. In a list of questions on unnecessary expenses, I have repeatedly reused 'alcohol' and 'eating out' as examples. But this is paired with answers which clearly show a lack of commitment to the questions posed. My responses to questions 18 and 19 are “they were blown up” and “starve” respectively. I doubt these responses were of any relevance to the questions posed. Unless it was stated that Ben and Sarah were required to traverse an artillery range between themselves and the bus stop, or build explosives to fend off malnutrition, then a more likely explanation is that I was simply bored. Bored and not paying attention to a lesson which would have allowed me to go to the pub tonight.

So what have I learned from this examination of my school life? Firstly, if I should ever foolishly suggest that the pay gap is due to women not working hard enough, I shall back-pedal by blaming subliminal messages fed to me as a youth. Second, if a young man prefers to go to a youth club rather than a disco even though it's further away, the issue is one for the town planning committee of his local authority. But above all I have learned that I will never learn, and when money next comes my way it will inevitably vanish into the tills of various bars and buffets. I just haven't the sense to spend it on makeup and teenage discos.