Mary Shelly had no Kind of Business Mind

The Rules and Principles of Competitive Walking

Being a living adonis, with the build of a natural athlete, it is inevitable that I should have a walking speed slightly faster than the common or garden gait. Walking is one of those things which most of us do unthinkingly in everyday life. But standing out among the leg-borne there are my people, a privileged subset of steel-thighed juggernaughts who stroll from place to place at a blistering speed. If you have ever had cause to say to someone "slow down, we're not in any rush you know", then chances are you were speaking either to me, or somebody just as handsomely swift.

The only problem I have found with being so locomotively blessed occurs on the rare occasions when I encounter another with a stride roughly equal to mine, and I start becoming competitive. While it is jarring for somebody so used to breezing past other pedestrians to be overtaken, there is sometimes little to be done to regain ground. Swinging a kick at the back of your opponent's knee as you sprint past with a triumphant roar can become a hollow victory if the police are allowed their say; but at the same time, in the world of insignificant social annoyances there are no stoic defeats. My preferred coping mechanism in the past has been to make a sport of the thing, which over time has developed a small list of core rules.

 I propose these rules for anyone who finds themselves alongside someone with an equal walking speed:

1) At no point should one intentionally increase one's velocity above their natural pace; the core principle of competitive walking is to be the tortoise, not the hare.

2) Do not fabricate reasons to increase one's pace unless absolutely necessary. Jogging to avoid a speeding livestock truck is acceptable. Breaking into a brief trot after hopping onto a kerb is not.

3) Cutting corners is forbidden.

4) Do not use makeup mirrors or other reflective surfaces to force someone behind you into tailgating.

5) Related to 4), victory is decided by whoever is ahead when the competitor's routes diverge. Therefore backward glances to ascertain victory is not only permitted, but necessary. I once walked for five miles before realising the guy was no longer behind me.

6) If you are being overtaken by somebody wearing heels while you are not, do not even try to compete. You will be soundly crushed.    

My Dragon's Den pitch

I am here to ask for a £1 million investment in a venture which I believe will synthesise two industries with almost unlimited resources and profit potential; undertaking and celebrity culture. What if when you died, instead of being cremated or buried, you had yourself either liquified, powdered, or sliced up really thin? Then- and here's the good bit- for a fee you can arrange to have the celebrity of your choice eat you over the course of, say, six months. Clients can have themselves mixed into meals or protein shakes, and interred in the bowels or your favourite singer or Hollywood star.

I already have a number of ideas for marketing this service. Basically what we want to sell is that people can actually become part of their celebrity idol, as their proteins are converted into energy which will create the good looks and ideas of celebrities. Here are a few draft examples:

•   A modelling photo of Naomi Cambell's face. Caption: “Why try to get skin like this when you could be skin like this?”

• Close-up black and white photograph of Eric Clapton's finger callouses. Caption: “You will never get closer to the music than this”.

• Close-up photo of Robin Williams' chest hair. Caption: “Wish you were here?”

Your one million pound investment will cover the start-up fees required in hiring a number of reasonably priced celebrities for the service. I know for a fact that Jimmy Nail isn't up to much at the moment. In time, as the brand grows, we can start aiming for the Scarlett Johanssons and Johnny Depps, with an average cost of £50,000 per deceased. We're also going to need a team of chefs able to prepare meals to a standard expected by the showbiz elite, but we can make this cost back by offering families the chance to subscribe to a webcam feed showing the celebrity in question at mealtimes, laying their loved one to rest.

I have given a great deal of thought to this idea and can think of no way that it could fail to take off. Everybody loves celebrities, everybody dies, and what I have found is that when death and famous people go together, the profit potential is enormous; just look at Diana. Also, if I could get my one million in cash, that would be ideal.

Self-reflection

Mirror mirror on the wall, am I really the fairest of them all? I feel like I'm limiting your options here. Maybe there are other items of furniture out there you'd find fair, and you're just telling me what I want to hear. God, what am I doing asking a magical mirror to offer comment on the subjective nature of human attractiveness? I really shouldn't be dependent on such a hollow endorsement of my appearance. We're talking about a mirror with a conscious mind here, and I'm using it to maintain my ego. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sorry mirror, you could have any number of things going on and all I do is ask you to confirm if I'm pretty or not. I suppose I've been feeling a bit vulnerable lately. But it could be worse- I could be talking to furniture which doesn't talk back! Ha ha! But seriously, all the times you've said I'm the fairest in the land, did you really mean it? I know you've got your own problems and everything, but I'd really like to know. No, forget it. What's going on with you? We've never really sat down and just talked, you know? Just don't don't ask me if you're the fairest of all the mirrors! Ha ha! How would I even know? I don't know what makes a fair mirror. Not that I'm not saying you're not fair, it's just that with mirrors...

Oh god, I've made such a mess of this, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to be your friend and now I think I've just said something offensive to your people. Look, I understand that your ideas of attraction, if any, are probably directed towards other mirrors rather than human women, but I don't know where to go from here. Can I just leave you by the stoop and let you make your own destiny? You can't really move by yourself. How does it work for your kind? Oh god, that sounded small minded again. How... look, you know what? Forget it. You are my mirror and I will damn well tell what you're good for.

Now say that this dress was worth fifty quid.