The Rules and Principles of Competitive Walking

Being a living adonis, with the build of a natural athlete, it is inevitable that I should have a walking speed slightly faster than the common or garden gait. Walking is one of those things which most of us do unthinkingly in everyday life. But standing out among the leg-borne there are my people, a privileged subset of steel-thighed juggernaughts who stroll from place to place at a blistering speed. If you have ever had cause to say to someone "slow down, we're not in any rush you know", then chances are you were speaking either to me, or somebody just as handsomely swift.

The only problem I have found with being so locomotively blessed occurs on the rare occasions when I encounter another with a stride roughly equal to mine, and I start becoming competitive. While it is jarring for somebody so used to breezing past other pedestrians to be overtaken, there is sometimes little to be done to regain ground. Swinging a kick at the back of your opponent's knee as you sprint past with a triumphant roar can become a hollow victory if the police are allowed their say; but at the same time, in the world of insignificant social annoyances there are no stoic defeats. My preferred coping mechanism in the past has been to make a sport of the thing, which over time has developed a small list of core rules.

 I propose these rules for anyone who finds themselves alongside someone with an equal walking speed:

1) At no point should one intentionally increase one's velocity above their natural pace; the core principle of competitive walking is to be the tortoise, not the hare.

2) Do not fabricate reasons to increase one's pace unless absolutely necessary. Jogging to avoid a speeding livestock truck is acceptable. Breaking into a brief trot after hopping onto a kerb is not.

3) Cutting corners is forbidden.

4) Do not use makeup mirrors or other reflective surfaces to force someone behind you into tailgating.

5) Related to 4), victory is decided by whoever is ahead when the competitor's routes diverge. Therefore backward glances to ascertain victory is not only permitted, but necessary. I once walked for five miles before realising the guy was no longer behind me.

6) If you are being overtaken by somebody wearing heels while you are not, do not even try to compete. You will be soundly crushed.